UNIX, it's a gas;
grab that VAX with
both hands and
make it crash.
UNIX, it's a hit;
Don't give me that
PC DOS Bullshit.
I'm into well benchmarked
POSIX Open Systems
I think I need a RISC chip.
UNIX, jmp back;
I'm all niced now
pop your frame off of
my stack.
-- Jim Flanagan

Nobody On

I got keyboard corns on my fingers,
I got a Ethernet Pad for a brain,
I got a VDU to prop up my mortal remains.
My programs always fail,
I got a strong urge to MAIL
But I got no-one to MAIL to,
MAIL to,
MAIL to..
Oh, babe, when I send down the phone,
There's still nobody on...

Does anybody here remember DEC?
Remember how the manual
Was useless to me
In every way.
UNIX, what has become of you?
Can any other O/S be quite as slow as you...

The UNIX Login Software

Is there anybody out there?
(repeat ad nauseam)

One of My Hacks

Log onto the system
On that lurid green screen
You'll find there's no response!
Don't look so frightened,
this is just a passing crash,
One of my bad hacks!
Would you like to watch TV,
Well, that's no use to me
I want to watch you squirm
As you try to get logged on!
Do you want to call the OPS,
Do you think it's time I stopped?
Why are you running away?

Filled Up Spaces / What Shall We Do Now?

What shall we use to trash
The filled up spaces on the archive tape?
How should I hack and leave no traces,
How shall the system completely fall?

The Trial

Good Morning, ROOT, your honour,
The dump will plainly show the user who now stands before you
Was caught red-handed in the system
Crudely hacking in a truly vicious nature
This will not do!

"I always said he'd come to no good didn't I, ROOT, your honour,
If they let me have my way I'd have him banned from the VAX!
But my hands were tied,
The bleeding hearts and artists
Not to mention the Dave Prices
Wouldn't let me throw him off!"
-- Alan Cox <iiitac@pyramid.swansea.ac.uk>, Leon Thrane, Jim Finnis, Alec Muffet <aem@aber.ac.uk> & (?)

As if you haven't had enough ... More Nerd Songs!


He's a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX .plans
For nobody
Knows the blocksize from 'du'
Cares not where /dev/null goes to
Isn't he a bit like you
And me?
UNIX Man, don't worry
It's the tube that's blurry
The new kernel boots, just like you had planned
He's as wise as he can be
Programs in lex, yacc and C
UNIX Man, can you help me
At all?
UNIX Man, please listen
My printout is missin'
The wo-o-o-orld is your 'at' command
-- Brad Morrison

PC's Are PC's

PC's are PC's
So why should it be
Yours and mine communicate so awfully
PC's are PC's
So why should it be
We cannot communicate with the RS-232C?
So they're different makes
And they're different breeds
And different PC's have different needs
You tell me that you hate this
That I've done something wrong
I've only followed the manual so what could
I have done
I can't comprehend
Why aren't the bytes
At the other end
Help me comprehend
Help me comprehend
Now it's punching
And it's clicking
And it's beeping at me
I'm relying on the salesman's guarantee
So far no bytes have surfaced
Of the ones that I sought
They just take a while to travel
From its RAM to its port

Hello, My ASCII Gal

Hello, my baby,
hello, my HACKER,
hello, my ASCII gal
Send me a kiss by MAIL (BY EMAIL),
baby I hope you're FEMALE.
If you refuse me,      
honey, you'll lose me,
then you'll be left alone.
Oh, baby, email me,     
and tell me that ...    
I've got a little baby
and she's out of sight,
I TYPE to her across the INTERNET (no sweat).
I've never seen my baby,
but she types alright, 
And CompuServe is causing quite a debt.
Hello, my baby,
hello, my honey,
hello, my sys-admin,
Send me a kiss by MAIL,
Don't let our modems fail.
If you refuse me,      
honey, you'll lose me,
then you'll be left alone.
can be a lonely place...
Hello, hello, hello there,
tell me that you're mine,
buzz my modem line.


(Original: Pressure by Billy Joel)

You have to learn to pace yourself
You're just like everybody else
You've only had to write Pascal
So far
But you will come to the day
When the only thing that counts
Are megaflops on a Cray
And you'll have to deal with
You used to call me paranoid
But even you can not avoid
You swore that ENTRY's a sure road to ruin
Now here you are with old code
COMMON blocks are misaligned
Assigned GOTOs disturb your mind
And you cannot handle FORTRAN
All grown up and no place to go
Pascal, Prolog,
What do you know?
All your life is a Lisp machine,
Linked lists, quicksort,
What does it mean?
-- Thomas Koenig

Santa Claus Is Coming to Town

better !pout !cry
better watchout
lpr why
santa claus <north pole >town
cat /etc/passwd >list
ncheck list 
ncheck list
cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist
cat list | grep nice >giftlist
santa claus <north pole > town
who | grep sleeping
who | grep awake
who | egrep 'bad|good'
for (goodness sake) {
        be good

Both Ways Now

Decimal digits in a row,
Just set the dials and let 'er go.
The ENIAC was grossly slow --
    I used to code that way,
But then this Fortran came along;
I danced and sang a happy song:
So natural -- what could go wrong?
    I little knew, that day!
I've looked at Fortran both ways, now,
At II and IV, and still somehow,
It's rows of numbers I recall;
I really don't know Fortran at all.
Fortran IV is real good stuff,
But business hackers have it tough;
For them this Fortran's not enough --
    Then Cobol saved the day!
But now I sing a sad refrain;
This Cobol loss is no one's gain,
And writing programs is a pain
    (I get writer's cramp that way!)
I've looked at Cobol both ways, now,
I code in it, and still somehow,
It's FORMAT statements I recall;
I really don't know Cobol at all.
Cobol will for business do;
Accounts and payroll make it through
(And bills for zero dollars too --
    I get them every day!)
But those who hack symbolic frobs
Cannot make do with Cobol jobs,
And now I sing through anguished sobs,
    But Lisp is here to stay.
I've looked at Lisp code both ways, now,
At lambda forms, and still somehow,
It's Cobol statements I recall;
I really don't know Lisp at all.
-- The Great Quux ( with apologies to Joni Mitchell)